Thursday, January 19, 2006
The story of ME
My own story. 1st chapter. I am going to tell a little of my own journey in hopes that it might lead me and my readers to understand some things about me and about LGBT people in general.
I have frequently heard people ask "When did you decide to be gay?"
That is a dumb question. I was gay before I knew what it was.
I remember waking up one morning the while I was in kindergarden. I had a real pleseant feeling and a tiny erection! I was 5 years old. I had been dreaming about a classmate in school.
I remember that my mother came in to check on me because I lingered in bed for a prolonged period and continued to fantasize.
Now remember, this was probably in 1949. There was no TV, and there was no mass media to expose me to sex of any kind. So how did I suddenly become aware of my feelings at such an early age? Simple, I was born that way!
We were living in a small town in far northern Illinois, about 7 miles from the Wisconsin state line. People in that era and in that background were extremely mainstream midwest morality. Sex was never discussed, ans centainly not in front of the kids. But I woke up having a sexual fantasy about another 5 year old! I also seemed to instinctively know that I could not tell others about my feelings.
I actually started the first grade in Texas when my parents moved to Corpus Christi. I remember that every year I would spend the first day of school picking out the "hot"boys in my classes. All the way into the fifth grade when I had my first experience with a friend. it was just simple fondling, but was "hot "to me. I actually managed to experience three boys and a girl that year. In retrospect that sounds kind of perverted now.
In the seventh grade I became involved with a couple of classmates and learned about real sexual acts. We were not lead on by an older firend, but 2 of us had a real good time. We would visit each other 2 or 3 per afternoons per week after school and would go fishing or camping a lot on weekends. We were both smart young boys and we could always find new exciting things to do.
While a sophomore I made the mistake of doing a jock from my school. He enjoyed it (several times) then told others in the locker room and I was labeled a queer. I finally found out what I was called! I learned to be more carefull. I developed "gaydar " the sixth sense most glbt people have which let them recognize a kindred soul.
My biggest problem as I became older was that I did not want others to know and did not want to be who I was.
I decided that since I knew that I had a much higher IQ than most, and I did not want to be one of them , I would teach myself to be straight. I was smart, I was stubborn and I was determined to be normal.
I lived for over half of my life trying to be what I wasn't! Every guy I was with was going to be the last one. I dated girls frequently and each one was going to be the one who "changed me". As I became older I decided that if I was going to date a girl she had to be really hot, I know that a lot of my friends envied me my dates.
During this period in my life I almost became an alcoholic. I was saved by discovering drugs. I decided that I like getting high better than getting drunk.
Most of my friends descovered drugs at about the same time. We started smoking pot and when we found that the governments was lying about how it was a killer weed we decided that the other stories were all lies too.
One at a time we tried them all. When it got to be expensive we turned to dealing to support our fun.
There is not a drug that I can think of that I haven't used, smoked or whatever. Or sold!
I continued to try to be straight or failing that to at least keep up the facade. I did have a lot of guys, but thats what the drugs were for. One of the truths I discovered about life was that young horny "strait" guys would would ''bend a lot "if they were high and you led them properly.
Then due to a disapointment with a woman which broke my heart I took a job managing a motel in Iowa. I kept the Texas home empty for a couple of years while I worked a thousand miles away.
It was in Iowa that I met the person who changed my life.
I hired Pat as night clerk in the motel I managed. I had many people apply for a job and Pat stood out because my "gaydar "had told me that he was gay.
We spent a lot of nights together but the sex wasn't as important as the sharing of our souls. As a 16 1/2 year old drop out he was trying to decide if he should come out or try to be straight.
I was still dealing with my own identity problems but I told him that I would recomend being himself. I had never been truly happy trying to live a lie. Thats when he told me that I needed to make the change myself. I thought about and decided that he was right.
Eventually he moved back to his mothers house about 30 miles away, but we remained close.
Then I made the decision to move back home to Texas where I continued my old life as normal except that I told my friends I was gay, and I did nothing about it.
Pat and I would still talk on the phone a couple of times a week. When he finished school he called me asking what I was doing that wekend. I said nothing in particular so he asked if I would like some company. I said "sure" so than he changed and asked if I would like a roomate.
He moved to Texas to come out away from his mother. He wanted to build his own life.
Pats arrival change my life completely. He dragged me into gay life. I developed two seperate compartments in my life. My Out life in the bars
and so forth and my old drug oriented life. The people in each knew of the others existance, but I kept them apart.
Pat and I became extremely close and he was the son I never had.
But to keep from confusing any guys either of us brought home ( more him than me) He called me his Uncle Harry and he was called then, and is refered to today as my nephew.
Check back soon for the next chapter of our life together.
Thats all for now... more soon Deacon Harry
I have frequently heard people ask "When did you decide to be gay?"
That is a dumb question. I was gay before I knew what it was.
I remember waking up one morning the while I was in kindergarden. I had a real pleseant feeling and a tiny erection! I was 5 years old. I had been dreaming about a classmate in school.
I remember that my mother came in to check on me because I lingered in bed for a prolonged period and continued to fantasize.
Now remember, this was probably in 1949. There was no TV, and there was no mass media to expose me to sex of any kind. So how did I suddenly become aware of my feelings at such an early age? Simple, I was born that way!
We were living in a small town in far northern Illinois, about 7 miles from the Wisconsin state line. People in that era and in that background were extremely mainstream midwest morality. Sex was never discussed, ans centainly not in front of the kids. But I woke up having a sexual fantasy about another 5 year old! I also seemed to instinctively know that I could not tell others about my feelings.
I actually started the first grade in Texas when my parents moved to Corpus Christi. I remember that every year I would spend the first day of school picking out the "hot"boys in my classes. All the way into the fifth grade when I had my first experience with a friend. it was just simple fondling, but was "hot "to me. I actually managed to experience three boys and a girl that year. In retrospect that sounds kind of perverted now.
In the seventh grade I became involved with a couple of classmates and learned about real sexual acts. We were not lead on by an older firend, but 2 of us had a real good time. We would visit each other 2 or 3 per afternoons per week after school and would go fishing or camping a lot on weekends. We were both smart young boys and we could always find new exciting things to do.
While a sophomore I made the mistake of doing a jock from my school. He enjoyed it (several times) then told others in the locker room and I was labeled a queer. I finally found out what I was called! I learned to be more carefull. I developed "gaydar " the sixth sense most glbt people have which let them recognize a kindred soul.
My biggest problem as I became older was that I did not want others to know and did not want to be who I was.
I decided that since I knew that I had a much higher IQ than most, and I did not want to be one of them , I would teach myself to be straight. I was smart, I was stubborn and I was determined to be normal.
I lived for over half of my life trying to be what I wasn't! Every guy I was with was going to be the last one. I dated girls frequently and each one was going to be the one who "changed me". As I became older I decided that if I was going to date a girl she had to be really hot, I know that a lot of my friends envied me my dates.
During this period in my life I almost became an alcoholic. I was saved by discovering drugs. I decided that I like getting high better than getting drunk.
Most of my friends descovered drugs at about the same time. We started smoking pot and when we found that the governments was lying about how it was a killer weed we decided that the other stories were all lies too.
One at a time we tried them all. When it got to be expensive we turned to dealing to support our fun.
There is not a drug that I can think of that I haven't used, smoked or whatever. Or sold!
I continued to try to be straight or failing that to at least keep up the facade. I did have a lot of guys, but thats what the drugs were for. One of the truths I discovered about life was that young horny "strait" guys would would ''bend a lot "if they were high and you led them properly.
Then due to a disapointment with a woman which broke my heart I took a job managing a motel in Iowa. I kept the Texas home empty for a couple of years while I worked a thousand miles away.
It was in Iowa that I met the person who changed my life.
I hired Pat as night clerk in the motel I managed. I had many people apply for a job and Pat stood out because my "gaydar "had told me that he was gay.
We spent a lot of nights together but the sex wasn't as important as the sharing of our souls. As a 16 1/2 year old drop out he was trying to decide if he should come out or try to be straight.
I was still dealing with my own identity problems but I told him that I would recomend being himself. I had never been truly happy trying to live a lie. Thats when he told me that I needed to make the change myself. I thought about and decided that he was right.
Eventually he moved back to his mothers house about 30 miles away, but we remained close.
Then I made the decision to move back home to Texas where I continued my old life as normal except that I told my friends I was gay, and I did nothing about it.
Pat and I would still talk on the phone a couple of times a week. When he finished school he called me asking what I was doing that wekend. I said nothing in particular so he asked if I would like some company. I said "sure" so than he changed and asked if I would like a roomate.
He moved to Texas to come out away from his mother. He wanted to build his own life.
Pats arrival change my life completely. He dragged me into gay life. I developed two seperate compartments in my life. My Out life in the bars
and so forth and my old drug oriented life. The people in each knew of the others existance, but I kept them apart.
Pat and I became extremely close and he was the son I never had.
But to keep from confusing any guys either of us brought home ( more him than me) He called me his Uncle Harry and he was called then, and is refered to today as my nephew.
Check back soon for the next chapter of our life together.
Thats all for now... more soon Deacon Harry
