Monday, January 30, 2006
The Story of Me Part 2..... Pat
So, Pat moved to Texas and became the son I'll never have. He had changed some since I knew him in Iowa. When he moved to Texas he had matured and become a very handsome young man with a knockout smile and a terrific chest.
He had blue eyes and dark hair and was always one the "beautiful young guys" that all gay men wanted.
But, although a lot of thse types became very spoiled and thought they were "Gods gift to gaydom." Pat always kept his head on fairly straight.
In those days it was normal to have a lover and be faithful only to him. These eternal relationships usually lasted for 2 days to 2 weeks.
Pat dragged me to a party one weekend where I really came out as a gay man.
Strangely enough, I met 2 guys there. One is my friend Bo who is a couple of years older than me and is still one of my best friends today.
The other was Dan.
At that time Dan was very cute and I asked him out for a date. We played minature golf and had a dinner then ended up in my bed.
He basically ignored me in bed, which pissed me off! The main reason I continued to see him occasionally was because I was determind the make him love me so I could snub him in return!
We were lovers for a time and did split up( my idea). We also had a 3 way relationship with another young guy who actually lived with me in the suburbs, while Dan lived many mile away in Dallas.
When we did split up, we remained friends for many years while I set out to prove myself as a gay man.
I tired meeting guys in bars, I tried tricking in the parks, and I joined social groups to meet guys.
Although I did pick up "tricks" this way I found that all the time that I had spent trying not to be myself had made me unhappy with tricking.
I actually prefered to know someone for a little while befor I slept with them.
I had a cute young lover for a few years who I met out in the sticks where we lived. My main affairs were with young guys who I met through him.
In the meantime, Pat met Scott who he really loved and we all became one big happy family.
Pat & Scott still frequented the bars and had a more open relationship than I did. At one time they lived with me, but they eventually got their own place. Many nights I was disturbed by Pat coming in the front door and going to his old room crying because he and Scott had a disagreement.
I wolud go and comfort him then try to resume what I had been doing earlier.( Try explaing that to a lover)
Then disaster struck! Pat became sick and it was diagnosed as G R I D
(Gay Related Imune Disorder) what later became HIV/Aids.
He and Scott stayed together for a while but eventually broke up, mainly because Scott would not give up his party life and Pat wanted to live quiter life.
During this period , when there was no medication and no hope. Pat learned to depend on me more and more.
Pat would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. his bed would be soaked and he would be shaking and chilled.
I would get up and hold him untill he quit shaking and while he took another shower I would remake his bed.
When he was tucked in I would return to my bed. I put in a wireless intercom which worked through the electrical wiring. the unit was mounted on the wall beside his bed so he could call me. Then, one night he woke up shaking and hurting so bad that he could not reach the button for an extended period of time. So, I added a nurse call button like the hospitals used that was cliped to the sheets on the other side of his bed.
This was a period of pure hell for Pat, and also for me. It really broke my heart to see him so ill and be able to do nothing about it. I cried many times in private for him.
I went with him to a hospital in Houston where there was a research project trying to find a medication to treat HIV.
There a doctor told him that the swelling of his lymph glands did not seem like HIV and he should be checked for Hodgkins disease when he got home.
He was found to be have both HIV and Hodgkins. During the time that the Hodgkins went undiagnosed it had gone to the fourth of four stages.
He underwent chemo and of course I was there for that too. He did recover somewhat and was able to move out and resume his own life.
The doctors told him that he might expect 5 more years. He was 21 years old.
Pat worked hard at trying to get everthing he wanted in life while he could. He dated, got a good job, and eventually met another lover who he settled down with.
After about 5 years he became sick again. He was in and out of hospitals many more times and although he had a partner he still depended heavily on me for support.
One time when I went to see him in the hospital there was questionare there he had filled out for the nurses. In answer to the question of whom he looked to most for emotional support and advice he had answered with my name and not his partner.
One night I was visiting him alone in the hospital. He told me that he was worried about me. He said "You are not getting any younger and there is no future for you in the young guys you are sleeping with. You need to settle down with Dan because he loves you and is good for you. You need to quit partying and settle down."
Later,he needed to go to the bathroom and I helped him. As we returned to his bed he sat down and put his head on my chest and said, "I can't take any more."He was asking me if it was alright to die! And he was till worrying about me! He wanted me to be ok."
I held him and hugged him and tried to tell him that it was ok to do what he needed to do.
Now I wish that I had been trained then the way that I am now as a deacon. But, at that time I was still an atheist.
That was probably the hardest experience I have ever had, and I did not have a faith in God to lean on. I was also not able to give him the Christian reassurance he needed, since he was a Catholic who had left the Church in order to be himself.
Pat died the next day. he was barely 27 years old.
I have gone through a half box of tissues writing about Pat and I can truly say that the relationship I had with Pat was the biggest thing in my life in many ways. I will always love him and miss him. When I meet my Savoir sometime the next person I will want to see again is Pat.
He had blue eyes and dark hair and was always one the "beautiful young guys" that all gay men wanted.
But, although a lot of thse types became very spoiled and thought they were "Gods gift to gaydom." Pat always kept his head on fairly straight.
In those days it was normal to have a lover and be faithful only to him. These eternal relationships usually lasted for 2 days to 2 weeks.
Pat dragged me to a party one weekend where I really came out as a gay man.
Strangely enough, I met 2 guys there. One is my friend Bo who is a couple of years older than me and is still one of my best friends today.
The other was Dan.
At that time Dan was very cute and I asked him out for a date. We played minature golf and had a dinner then ended up in my bed.
He basically ignored me in bed, which pissed me off! The main reason I continued to see him occasionally was because I was determind the make him love me so I could snub him in return!
We were lovers for a time and did split up( my idea). We also had a 3 way relationship with another young guy who actually lived with me in the suburbs, while Dan lived many mile away in Dallas.
When we did split up, we remained friends for many years while I set out to prove myself as a gay man.
I tired meeting guys in bars, I tried tricking in the parks, and I joined social groups to meet guys.
Although I did pick up "tricks" this way I found that all the time that I had spent trying not to be myself had made me unhappy with tricking.
I actually prefered to know someone for a little while befor I slept with them.
I had a cute young lover for a few years who I met out in the sticks where we lived. My main affairs were with young guys who I met through him.
In the meantime, Pat met Scott who he really loved and we all became one big happy family.
Pat & Scott still frequented the bars and had a more open relationship than I did. At one time they lived with me, but they eventually got their own place. Many nights I was disturbed by Pat coming in the front door and going to his old room crying because he and Scott had a disagreement.
I wolud go and comfort him then try to resume what I had been doing earlier.( Try explaing that to a lover)
Then disaster struck! Pat became sick and it was diagnosed as G R I D
(Gay Related Imune Disorder) what later became HIV/Aids.
He and Scott stayed together for a while but eventually broke up, mainly because Scott would not give up his party life and Pat wanted to live quiter life.
During this period , when there was no medication and no hope. Pat learned to depend on me more and more.
Pat would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. his bed would be soaked and he would be shaking and chilled.
I would get up and hold him untill he quit shaking and while he took another shower I would remake his bed.
When he was tucked in I would return to my bed. I put in a wireless intercom which worked through the electrical wiring. the unit was mounted on the wall beside his bed so he could call me. Then, one night he woke up shaking and hurting so bad that he could not reach the button for an extended period of time. So, I added a nurse call button like the hospitals used that was cliped to the sheets on the other side of his bed.
This was a period of pure hell for Pat, and also for me. It really broke my heart to see him so ill and be able to do nothing about it. I cried many times in private for him.
I went with him to a hospital in Houston where there was a research project trying to find a medication to treat HIV.
There a doctor told him that the swelling of his lymph glands did not seem like HIV and he should be checked for Hodgkins disease when he got home.
He was found to be have both HIV and Hodgkins. During the time that the Hodgkins went undiagnosed it had gone to the fourth of four stages.
He underwent chemo and of course I was there for that too. He did recover somewhat and was able to move out and resume his own life.
The doctors told him that he might expect 5 more years. He was 21 years old.
Pat worked hard at trying to get everthing he wanted in life while he could. He dated, got a good job, and eventually met another lover who he settled down with.
After about 5 years he became sick again. He was in and out of hospitals many more times and although he had a partner he still depended heavily on me for support.
One time when I went to see him in the hospital there was questionare there he had filled out for the nurses. In answer to the question of whom he looked to most for emotional support and advice he had answered with my name and not his partner.
One night I was visiting him alone in the hospital. He told me that he was worried about me. He said "You are not getting any younger and there is no future for you in the young guys you are sleeping with. You need to settle down with Dan because he loves you and is good for you. You need to quit partying and settle down."
Later,he needed to go to the bathroom and I helped him. As we returned to his bed he sat down and put his head on my chest and said, "I can't take any more."He was asking me if it was alright to die! And he was till worrying about me! He wanted me to be ok."
I held him and hugged him and tried to tell him that it was ok to do what he needed to do.
Now I wish that I had been trained then the way that I am now as a deacon. But, at that time I was still an atheist.
That was probably the hardest experience I have ever had, and I did not have a faith in God to lean on. I was also not able to give him the Christian reassurance he needed, since he was a Catholic who had left the Church in order to be himself.
Pat died the next day. he was barely 27 years old.
I have gone through a half box of tissues writing about Pat and I can truly say that the relationship I had with Pat was the biggest thing in my life in many ways. I will always love him and miss him. When I meet my Savoir sometime the next person I will want to see again is Pat.
